Memoir Miniseries: It’s Not (Just) About You

On Saturday, April 13th, I’m going to be teaching a memoir and fiction workshop in Denver. Leading up to the workshop, I’m publishing a blog post miniseries on a select number of topics for memoir writers—plus a Pro Tip on how writers of other genres can benefit from this information. This is the first post in the series. Find the second one here.

Memoir has been a popular category, for both readers and writers, since the memoir “boom” of the 1990s. The appeal for writers is clear: the opportunity to explore (and process) one’s own personal experience. Granted, there are other/additional reasons for writing memoir, but I have yet to meet someone who is writing, or thinking about writing, a memoir who does not have this reason in mind. For readers, I believe part of the appeal lies also in this dealing with real, lived experience.

The personal nature of memoir—“a narrative composed from personal experience,” as per Merriam-Webster—leads many writers to make the two biggest mistakes I see in memoir: including absolutely everything…and making the story all about them.

Now, this might sound backwards to you. Not make the story about you? You are writing a story about yourself, right? Well…yes and no.

Telling a Story About Yourself Versus Navel-Gazing

There’s a difference between a story that’s about you, and a story which is only about you. Let me explain.

In a story only about you, you don’t care who’s listening. You know that “friend” you had in high school? The one who could go on and on about the minutiae of their lives, seemingly blind to the fact that you were dealing with your own drama? This is the difference that I want you to remember.

Much as we’d (sometimes?) like to be, we aren’t the center of the Universe. Sure, we’re the center of our own universes, but it’s unlikely anyone other than our parents are interested in how we slipped on the ice while taking out the trash…

…unless perchance slipping on the ice while taking out the trash is an inciting incident for the story that follows.

A memoir is a vehicle for talking about something bigger than your own life. Yes, you’re telling your story, but your readers aren’t interested in a series of minutiae. It’s not taking out the trash—it’s the hospital stay and what you learned about resilience/the healthcare system/dealing with adversity that follows. That’s what the story is about.

Don’t engage in navel-gazing, like your high school “friend.” It’s not attractive. Remember that you have readers, and your readers have dramas of their own. How does YOUR drama intersect with THEIR life? What can YOUR story share with them that helps/entertains/uplifts/enlightens THEM?

Be Selective

Part and parcel of thinking about someone other than yourself while writing is deciding what you should include. A memoir is not an autobiography. An autobiography takes us from the moment of your birth through all the years of your life. You know what I think about this? Boring.

Yes, an autobiography is useful for the gleaning of certain facts, and if you’re trying to flesh out some other theme. If you’re a historian, autobiography can be an awesome source of information. Is an autobiography riveting storytelling? Usually, no.

Let’s face it, some parts of our life are much more interesting than others.

A memoir is a select portion of your life—chosen to tell a particular story with a particular theme and focus. An interesting portion of your life. Not taking out the trash or brushing your teeth (unless and only unless this has something important to do with the bigger picture).

You can only have one autobiography. You can write more than one memoir (see one of my favorite memoirists, Mary Karr, as an example).

The art of storytelling lies both with what you include, and what you exclude. A memoir isn’t comprehensive—it’s not breadth we’re after, but depth. Be deliberate. The more tooth-brushing and trash-taking-out, the less space you have to explore your important theme more deeply.

Pro Tip for ALL Genres

You always need to think about your audience. Unless you want a readership of one (yourself), step back from your story and get out of your own head. Think about who is reading your book, and why they would do so. What are they looking for? What do they expect? How can you make the story more appealing for them, while still keeping it as your own?

And secondly, you can always strengthen your book both by what you include, and what you exclude. What do you need more of? What’s competing for space that you don’t really need (although perhaps you like it a whole lot)? You can include whatever you want in the first draft, but if you’re not trimming by the second pass, you’re not being ruthless enough.

Bottom Line

It’s not just about you. A memoir is a story about you that has something to offer the rest of the world. Your readers read to learn from your experience, empathize, experience by proxy, and so on. Why are they reading your story?
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